This article originally appeared in Craccum Magazine Issue 22
I am a heterosexual cross dresser and I would like to share my experience with you as a cross dresser in a conservative society. It is only by “coming out” and becoming more visible that society will change it’s attitudes. For about 15 years of my life I have been keeping my cross dressing personality a secret. I have been scared to tell my friends and family.
I started when I was ten years old but I think that the desire was there a lot earlier, but it may have been covered up by my disability. At this stage I was still getting used to the fact that I had a disability. I must have known that cross-dressing was unusual because I never told anyone what I was feeling about this issue. I didn’t really see it as a “coming out” is until the last few years when I realised that this issue is a big part of my life. I makes me feel good about myself and I enjoy it. I don’t want to stop cross dressing just because society doesn’t understand it.
The fact that I am heterosexual and a cross dresser makes it more difficult for society to understand. About 90 percent of cross dressers are heterosexual (this statistic is pointed out in most encyclopedias) but the are not visible because they are too scared to “come out” and be seen. I like to dress up and walk around town. I like to be seen by others because I really can’t see anything wrong with cross dressing. I have been involved in challenging the so called norm of society all my life as a result of my physical disability, and I really hate having to hide my cross dressing personality.
When I dress up in town, it is usually in a particular area where I feel the most confident because of people’s attitudes there. I have been to several of the cafes in the area cross dressed and I feel relaxed. I am not turning my head in all directions making sure that there is no one I know who’s spotted me. I don’t cross dress in my local area because it is a small community, and it is bound to get back to my parents, whom I am not ready to tell. I would love to be able to cross dress in my local area, and I am trying to wear less obvious female clothing like lycra leggings and sweatshirts but I am just not ready to take the risk and wear a skirt and high heels, although I have on occasion. People know me because they identify the disability first regardless of whether I am wearing a dress or not.
A friend of mine once said that it is difficult for society to accept cross dressing because when a person is cross dressed it is usually very obvious and society does not like visible differences. I agree with this idea because I have grown up with a visible all my life with my physical disability and know of the negativity that people who don’t understand can display.
It has been difficult for me to accept and understand in the past, but I have decided not to worry about issues like why do I cross dress? What’s my psychological profile? etc… and get on with my life; cross dress when I feel like cross dressing. When I came out to my sister and her partner at the end of the last year I felt a great weight being lifted off my shoulders. I began to keep my “female” clothes in my room and was able to cross dress at home. I feel I can relax and enjoy cross dressing more and not feel so terrified of being found out. I’m still a bit nervous, but hopefully that will decrease over time.
A number of events have occurred which make me hopeful that society may be slowly changing it’s attitude in a positive way to cross dressing. I don’t know have many friends who know about my alter-ego, but I have developed relationships with associates (for example, shoe-sales person and beauty therapist). I would like to describe some personal examples which illustrate this point:
I had put a dress on lay-but and had to put some more money down on it. I was dressed as a guy this day and went over to the shop owner and said that I wanted to put some money down on the dress. The owner was having a cup of coffee with another customer. When the owner took the dress down from the rack ( so that I could se it again), the other customer asked me if the dress was for my girlfriend. Before I had time to say anything the owner said, ” No it’s for him, he cross dresses”. Part of me felt embarrassed but another part of me (a bigger part) thought how wonderful it was that the shop owner had the confidence to say this. I go there quite regularly now and we end up taking for ages, which is really great because it just makes shopping there a pleasurable experience – not just focused on making a profit but taking an interest in her customers.
The second example was when I was in Wellington in 1993. I went into one shop to buy a dress I had seen in the window. This was my first time in this shop and I was in guys clothes ( I was wearing pantihose under my jeans). I went over to the dressrack, took the particular dress off the rack and looked at it for a while. The owner of the shop came over and asked me whether I would like to try the dress on. I couldn’t believe this, that he just asked me straight out; I didn’t have to go up and sheepishly ask her, she asked me. I jumped at the opportunity. Unfortunately the dress I wanted didn’t fit, but the owner spent about an hour helping me find another dress. I felt great!
The third example was when I walked into a shoe shop a few weeks ago, again in guys clothes (I had tights on under my jeans). I said to the owner that this may be a stupid question, but I would like to buy a pair of shoes like this (black, suede high heels) for myself. She just said don’t be silly, of course you can buy them for yourself. She then spent the next half hour getting a pair of shoes to fit nicely. Since then I have been in the store a few times. They really make me feel welcome. Once, I was cross dressed and had full makeup on I went into this shoe shop and one of the owners said to the other one, “Doesn’t she look great”,
” Yes she does”.
Identifying me as a she made me feel great and pointed out to me that this “problem” (not my problem, but society’s) is more than just wearing the clothes of the other sex, but the actual identification as a female. I don’t think that I’ll ever change my sex but maybe there is a small part of me that wishes that I had been born a female.
The fourth and final example happened a few months later when I discovered a beauty and fashion clinic. I have been there three times, for a make-over, fashion analysis and a leg wax. The first time I went dressed up as a guy and just asked whether they would mind giving makeover on a guy. A few months later I made the first appointment for a makeover and have since always been dressed as a female, when I go there. The staff make me feel so comfortable and told me that I would be welcome to fashion shows that they hold at times (cross dressed). When I asked her about the other clients who may also be at the show she said she really didn’t care what the others felt about a guy dressed as a woman. When I went for my fashion analysis the beautician did not seem to have any problem with doing the analysis on me from a female perspective. This made me feel absolutely wonderful.
Other examples like this have happened over a few years and they have made me feel really good about myself; that I’m not doing anything wrong. I don’t know whether these examples are indicative of society’s changing attitudes or whether that I have been really lucky meeting the right people at the right time. The only things I don’t like about these relationships is the fact that they are based on a customer-retailer basis. I would just like to be able transform the relationship from professional to personal.
One of my best friends who I have known since I was five years old, recently found out that I cross dressed. I couldn’t believe how good he was with accepting the fact that I like to cross dress, although I think he was a bit annoyed about the fact that I hadn’t told him about my cross dressing until now. He said to me that people don’t understand or accept this issue because it is not an issue that has really been addressed and hasn’t reached the consciousness of society.
I remember like my sister not wanting to go to ballet class, there I was wanting to, partly because I knew that guys were allowed to wear leotard and tights (my first cross dressing experience was when I wore my sister’s tights). I also remember at school when I was eight or nine years old my teacher had brought her daughter’s tutu and asked anyone if they wanted to try it on. Some of the boys tried it on, but I thought to myself no, no way. I was scared of admitting that I was a cross dresser and this was a mechanism that I used to cope with. There were other experiences like this, where I tried to dent that I really wanted to wear female clothes.
I have been to several counsellors over the past few years. Partly because a small part of me wanted to find a “cure”, but mostly I wanted to be able to relax for while cross dressed. The cure part was because I realised that by cross dressing I had pushed myself to the margins of society and have made my life possibly made my life difficult. I really don’t want to stop cross dressing. I think I am still in the coming out process. I actually want to dress as female more often.
I hope that in 5 or 10 years time there will be more tolerance of this issue. Perhaps we make up a third new sex, and we should focus on being recognised as a third sex. One day I hope to be able to walk down the street and feel as confident wearing a skirt or dress as I do wearing guys clothing. I hope that one day I will be able to cross dress at work and able to accept cross dressing as a normal part of life.
Mr H.